The Work Flow

It has been far too long since I sat down to write here. I’ve been in front of computer screens a lot lately, typing away, but that’s been for work, which has been my main focus the last few months.Three weeks of training at the CHP academy for Mod A, completed. Now on the third cycle on my training at the office and ahead of me, two weeks back at the academy for Mod B and months of radio training to reach the goal of passing probation.

Calvin turned 5, Mia turned 3, Halloween and Thanksgiving came and went. These kids are growing like weeds, every RDO I look at them both and I am astounded by their size, their abilities, their intelligence and their fun, beautiful personalities.

I wish I had more to say right now, but truly work and home life is all consuming.

I did shave my head though!

 

 

 

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Art

I truly can’t remember the last time I sat down with a paintbrush in my hand, and just created something. 

I’m not a great artist, I never have been. In school I took GCSE and A-level art and I could do the tasks asked of me with some skill. But I never just sat down and created something in my own style, with my own unique and creative force.

My focus shifted to writing when I went to University. I’d say I’m pretty adept at being able to convey my thoughts and my arguments using the English language. These are skills however, that I don’t use often.

My creative muscle is not often worked, and even rarer, flexed. I am not driven to sit and write creatively, or to take a tool into my hands and create visual art. When I do create something, it’s all in my brain. I’m unable to transfer the images I muster up, from my brain, down to my fingertips. 

It’s frustrating to not have a hobby even. I’ve tried knitting, crochet, macrame and I get bored. I get bored of the mundane, tedious nature of these activities.

So what is it I’m looking for? I’m not sure. 

Playing Catch Up

Goodness, it’s really been quite a while since I sat down to write anything. I’m not sure why I haven’t spent time doing this, but I’m here now… waiting for the words to come. This feels more difficult than usual. I can’t even recall where I last left off.

I guess I could fill you in on the year so far.

January was uneventful, as the start of the year always seems to be. It was an unusually cold winter this year with tons or rain. The kids had many opportunities to jump in puddles and get extra muddy!

February, I applied for my US citizenship. Not something I planned on doing, but now is as good a time as ever to do it. Things are already moving quickly with the application and I have my biometrics appointment this coming week. Calvin started karate and absolutely loves it! He’s made some friends and it’s giving him extra lessons in focus and discipline, much needed for crazy four year olds!

And here we are at March. March so far has been busy! Calvin is registered for TK (Transitional Kindergarten) for this coming school year, Mia has had her language evaluation for her speech delay, Curtis has been moved to a new station and I am in the hiring process for CHP.

 

Oh… and on Tuesday I’ll be 30… I mean 21, with 9 years experience!

Friendship

I’m a pretty friendly person, and despite my natural instinct to be an introvert, I make friends easily. This has been a good thing for the most part, it has given me friendships that have spanned many years, through high school, university and into adulthood. It has also brought me some “friends” who turned out to be less than great people in my life, and have in time, fallen by the wayside. But there is one thing I have come to realize recently, I don’t have to befriend everyone. I will be friendly to everyone, unless they give me good reason not to be, but that doesn’t mean that I have to count them amongst my friends.

To me, friends have some shared interests, they have some shared ideals. They don’t have to share every view I have, or every interest, but having some similarities is a great thing, it’s solid ground in which to stand on. Where I have recently learned to define a friendship however, is in how my interactions with these people, leave my heart feeling. If I come away feeling hurt by their views, or hurt by their words, but otherwise they are good people, perhaps that isn’t enough in this stage of life to maintain a meaningful friendship.

I don’t want to question my interactions with them, and I don’t want to butt heads and fight. I want a drama free life for he most part! And why should either side of a friendship feel that they need to hold back from saying something that they believe in in order to not upset the other? Yet, here I am, looking at a few friendships and wondering whether it’s best to just walk away.

I’m old enough and ugly enough to know that I don’t have to be friends with everyone.

On a lighter note…

Rain is due in the next few days and I am looking forward to it! Rainy days mean cuddles on the couch with the kids, playing in the muddy back garden and doing crafts in the dimly lit dining room whilst listening to the pitter patter of the drops.

Rain is a rare in Fresno, but so common at home in England. It’s weather that can make my heart feel heavy and light simultaneously. I love it.

News

I haven’t paid much attention to the news lately. When I do, I see so much pain, so much sadness. And, I suppose it has always been there, it will always be there, but right now it seems magnified. I try to pay attention only to the positive stories, the little glimmers of hope, of love…

Maybe I am the ostrich, with my head buried deep in the sand, wanting not to see the world in it’s grey and tarnished state. I want to see the world perhaps, through rose tinted glasses, as a child sees it.

I know Calvin and Mia only see love around them. I know that they have no concept of the hate of other human beings, or the atrocities committed in the names of so many. But I also know that a four year old understands strong dislike, they understand the idea that someone can be a bully, that bad behavior can hurt more than just someones heart. Isn’t that just a little bit terrifying?

I want to shelter them from the news, from hearing about the pain of the world and the people in it. I want to shelter my own heart and mind, pouring all of my love, all of my positivity into my family. So whilst the negative sometimes slips through the cracks, and I choose to read the occasional news story, to keep current, to know what it out there, I will continue to seek the positive. I will seek the love and the light.

It’s been a while…

I’ve not been in the right frame of mind lately to write much and things have been pretty hectic with moving house and working out a new routine with being further away from our usual amenities.

Holidays as well are always hard for me, which I have mentioned before. I am struggling with some depression, and haven’t been back to see my psychiatrist since the initial visit. Again, things have just been crazy around here!

We are finally moved into our new house though, everything is coming together slowly, but boxes are being emptied and a few days out of the many that have passed since we moved, my laundry pile has only been a small mound rather than its usual colossal mountain. Jinsey is acting his normal self now, he’s eating more, socializing and is completely off of all of his medication, including the anxiety meds which were making him act rather strangely. He will be on a prescription diet for the rest of his life, but it’s a small price to pay for his health and to have a happy cat snuggling up on the bed at night.

Christmas is literally a week away and I feel mostly prepared for it. I don’t cook Christmas dinner so I don’t have that worry on my plate, but I did host dinner for the family this past week. I’ve bought the kids presents apart from a few pairs of pajamas each and I already sent a small box of goodies to England for my mom, last month. Curtis and I don’t buy each other gifts, but he did get me a new jogging stroller so I can start running with Mia more often. I have taken it out for a spin a few times and now I just need to be consistent in my exercising to get the most use out of it!

Really life if just kind of a blur right now, the days are kind of melting into one another and I am hoping that the new year brings with it more clarity, more peace of mind and less anxiety.

However you celebrate this holiday season, I hope that you are not alone. I hope that whatever you do, you have a smile on your face and love in your heart.

Merry Christmas x

Awake at 3am

It’s 3am and I should really be sleeping. I know the kids will be awake within the next few hours, full of excitement for the day and I hope I can keep up with them. But I can’t sleep. I woke up from a dream with tears rolling down my cheeks, throat hurting and my eyes stinging. So here I am, sitting wrapped in an over sized robe, warm drink in hand and Doctor Who to entertain me and take my thoughts elsewhere. Somewhere in another world I will find solace this evening, in a blue police box I will fly with a new face, with an old soul.

I love how the words on a page, an adventure on a screen, can take you a million miles away from reality. I’m not tired in this moment, and the dreams I am seeking aren’t my own. That’s quite a relaxing thought.