My posts have been somewhat negative and dark since the death of my father and I’ve been wanting to write something lighter and brighter.
Today a friend, Sara, posted the viral video of the baby being pulled from the rubble days after the earthquake in Nepal. I commented that recently I had been in conflict with God, but after seeing this video I had truly witnessed a miracle with the rest of the world. It was her reply to this that shifted my emotional stance as well as my thoughts on my current position with God.
“Jodie you have had so much going on lately. God is ok with you being angry and struggling in your relationship with Him. Your anger is proof of your faith because how could you be mad at someone you don’t believe exists.”
And now here I am, seeing things more clearly for the first time in weeks. Perhaps this clarity will allow me to focus more on the substantial joy I do have in my life.
I saw a little bit of you today, in Calvin. He was concentrating on working out a puzzle, and the tip of his tongue appeared at the corner of his mouth. It’s something small, and kind of silly, but it was a little bit of you. I remember you doing the same when faced with a task that required your complete concentration. I looked at Calvin today, and where I see so much of Curtis and I in him, today I saw you.
Usually Id say that the brain is a wonderful thing, not just because of its base functions that let us live and move, but because it also lets us imagine and dream. Lately though I am hating what it produces at night. My mind has been taking me to dark, hurtful places. It is using my fears and twisting them into vivid nightmares that I have trouble escaping.
I’m used in some ways to this. When I’ve been stressed in the past I have had sleep paralysis and Hag Syndrome. But nightmares are almost worse, because those images stick with me. When I have sleep paralysis it effects me for a short time and then it’s done, unlike the images that my mind creates.
I won’t describe or go into any detail of these nightmares as I don’t want to rehash or reread them. They have been more frequent though and I hate that. They leave me feeling drained when I wake up and make me want to grab each and every one of my loved ones and check that they are okay.
The brain is cruel. It is not creating the wonderful dreamscapes that I usually love. I wish I could just switch off at night. To have a blank slate, void of dream or nightmare would be better than experiencing the sting that it creates.
Today is my dads funeral and although I feel like I’ve had closure, I wish I were there to be with my family when they need it the most. I never realized that a heart could physically hurt. It feels so torn, so beaten and bruised right now.
My sister recently visited her GP about vision problems and severe headaches she’s been experiencing. Her doctor decided that her symptoms warranted an urgent referral to neurology at the hospital. It’s been two weeks and she has still not received an appointment. So she called the hospital and her GPs office to find out the status of her referral. The hospital told her that she is on the waiting list… For an appointment in approximately 13 weeks. Yes, you read that right, 13 weeks! The consultant at the hospital, who did not examine her, decided that her urgent appointment was not a priority and therefor it has become non urgent.
So let me work this out. Her GP who examined her and determined that her symptoms were severe enough for an urgent appointment (which in itself takes 4-6 weeks) was overruled by a hospital consultant, who has had no contact with my sister whatsoever.
Your NHS tax money at work people of England! This is alarming to me, especially as that now I have the opportunity to look at healthcare from the viewpoint of privatization in the US. If you are American and thinking that socialized healthcare would be beneficial over the current system, I urge you to look up how it is run in other countries who already have it. And to look at situations people are put in by being under such a healthcare system. My sisters situation is just one example in a vast and possibly undocumented thousands of NHS neglectful cases.
I could start at this point and document my own experiences with the NHS. I could write about the neglect and treatment of my dads healthcare, but that is all too raw.
So I urge you, next time you talk about 2 hour waits in the ERs of America, I can tell you about several of my own personal experiences of double and triple those numbers as I waited alongside people bleeding in hallways of NHS hospitals waiting to be seen.
I’m not okay, and that’s okay. I wrote a post this morning about a dream/nightmare I had that I’m going to keep in my drafts. I’m going to continue to write down my thoughts and feelings in relation to my dads passing, but I’m going to keep them private. It’s not that I don’t want to share my emotions, but rather that im still processing them, and that can be overwhelming for anyone reading/listening to them.
I cry a lot. I get angry. And that’s a hard thing for someone to process who isn’t going through it too. I know my family are dealing with it in their own ways as well and I hope that I can be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on for them despite the distance between us.
So for now, if you ask, I’m not okay. And that’s just how it’s going to be for a little while.