On this day

On this day last year, my sister, her boyfriend, my mom and my dad, came to visit us for three weeks. At the time we didn’t know just how sick my dad was. We thought the sickness he was experiencing was a reoccurring chest infection that the doctors had been telling him he had for over a year, treating it with antibiotics and a nebulizer. They almost didn’t make the trip at this time, they were going to come in March… But that would have been too late.

They spent three weeks with us, we did a lot of mundane things, we hung around the house, but we also did some exploring, seeing Yosemite, Old Town Clovis and Sac, Avila Beach and San Francisco before they went home. 

I’m so grateful that they made the trip, that dad had the opportunity to see the kids and that we had time together as a family before everything shattered just 18 days after his diagnosis. I try so hard not to go to that dark place when I think of him. I try not to dwell on those last days, but to savor the laughs, the joy and the sweetest memories.

I’m glad that Calvin remembers him, that he says often that he misses his papa, and shows Mia photos of him. He’s three and death is a big concept for such a little person. 

Family is the most important thing to me. My little unit of four, my parents, my siblings… These are the people who make me, me. 


Body Positive

 I posted this on my IG earlier today with body positivity and self love in mind. I’m working towards the body I desire, but in the process I’m hating on the body I currently have. For me, that’s not motivation, it sends me into a spiral of dissatisfaction and self doubt. It doesn’t help me to hate on myself, it hinders me.

I have been out of the gym for over a week with two sick kids (I don’t want to be the mom who lets her kids spread the sickness), so I’ve not been keeping up with my plan. Tomorrow I dive back in and whilst I may not be able to get to the gym, I’ll work out as much as possible at home. And when I pass the mirror in the morning, wash my body or watch my baby nurse from my breast, I won’t hate myself. I will look at my stretch marks, my soft stomach with pride and see the journey ahead as a stepping stone to better physical and mental health.

And when things seem hard, I won’t give up. I’d have stalled in life if I had given up at every hurdle. 

In the Closet

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but Mia sleeps in our closet. She has done for probably the last four months or so. She sleeps in our closet (it’s a walk in) because the only other options are to sleep in our room, sleep in Calvin’s room or sleep downstairs by herself. All of those options have problems, like standing up and shouting at us in the middle of the night, keeping Calvin awake (and Calvin keeping her awake) and my uneasiness of her being so far away. So the closet it is.

We also thought that being isolated, but within close proximity, would help her sleep.

She has never slept through the night.

You aren’t reading that wrong, she’s one and has never slept through the night.

Well, I think we have had a breakthrough tonight, something so simple and overlooked. White noise. We have tried it in short bursts in the past, but then our machine broke and we abandoned it. We went out and bought a new one on a whim and low and behold she slept from 7:30 until 3am without a wake up. That is miraculous!

On the flip side of this, I had caffein today, a lot of it (I usually only drink decaf) and I’ve had about an hour of sleep… It’s 3:30am. I could kick myself! 


Nearing An End

I think the breastfeeding journey with Mia is nearing an end. We have already implemented night weaning and she is becoming less interested with nursing during the day unless she is tired. I’m looking at this next phase with bittersweet emotion. On one hand, I will be happy to be done with nursing through the night, sore nipples and fingers up my nose, but on the other hand, Mia is the last baby I will nurse.

I breastfed Calvin until around the 18 month mark, I can’t remember exactly, as I was nauseated from pregnancy and it was that which pushed me to finally wean him. Mia is coming up to 14 months and she is a biter! She has left me more than once with little troll teeth marks around my nipples before aggressively pushing away.

I’m extremely thankful that I have been able to breastfeed my children, it wouldn’t have been the end of the world had I not been able to or that they would have preferred the bottle, but it’s given me a unique opportunity to watch them grow from something my body has produced, that’s kind of awesome!

I can also almost see a full night of sleep in sight… almost!


*This is my 100th post! Thank you for reading!