On this day

On this day last year, my sister, her boyfriend, my mom and my dad, came to visit us for three weeks. At the time we didn’t know just how sick my dad was. We thought the sickness he was experiencing was a reoccurring chest infection that the doctors had been telling him he had for over a year, treating it with antibiotics and a nebulizer. They almost didn’t make the trip at this time, they were going to come in March… But that would have been too late.

They spent three weeks with us, we did a lot of mundane things, we hung around the house, but we also did some exploring, seeing Yosemite, Old Town Clovis and Sac, Avila Beach and San Francisco before they went home. 

I’m so grateful that they made the trip, that dad had the opportunity to see the kids and that we had time together as a family before everything shattered just 18 days after his diagnosis. I try so hard not to go to that dark place when I think of him. I try not to dwell on those last days, but to savor the laughs, the joy and the sweetest memories.

I’m glad that Calvin remembers him, that he says often that he misses his papa, and shows Mia photos of him. He’s three and death is a big concept for such a little person. 

Family is the most important thing to me. My little unit of four, my parents, my siblings… These are the people who make me, me. 

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A Quote

One of my all time favorite books is Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden. There is a quote in it that has been resounding with me since my dad passed away. 

It makes me think that no matter how much I write about loss, it’s not going to change anything, it may help me release the stresses I feel but as a reader, you may not feel what I feel. Perhaps you are dealing with your own loss and there may be similarities in our thoughts, or the way we are each dealing and reacting to it, could be completely different. 

At the temple there is a poem called “Loss” carved into the stone. It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read loss, only feel it.

I Saw You Today

I saw a little bit of you today, in Calvin. He was concentrating on working out a puzzle, and the tip of his tongue appeared at the corner of his mouth. It’s something small, and kind of silly, but it was a little bit of you. I remember you doing the same when faced with a task that required your complete concentration. I looked at Calvin today, and where I see so much of Curtis and I in him, today I saw you. 

I’m Not Okay

I’m not okay, and that’s okay. I wrote a post this morning about a dream/nightmare I had that I’m going to keep in my drafts. I’m going to continue to write down my thoughts and feelings in relation to my dads passing, but I’m going to keep them private. It’s not that I don’t want to share my emotions, but rather that im still processing them, and that can be overwhelming for anyone reading/listening to them.

I cry a lot. I get angry. And that’s a hard thing for someone to process who isn’t going through it too. I know my family are dealing with it in their own ways as well and I hope that I can be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on for them despite the distance between us. 

So for now, if you ask, I’m not okay. And that’s just how it’s going to be for a little while.