It’s 3am and I should really be sleeping. I know the kids will be awake within the next few hours, full of excitement for the day and I hope I can keep up with them. But I can’t sleep. I woke up from a dream with tears rolling down my cheeks, throat hurting and my eyes stinging. So here I am, sitting wrapped in an over sized robe, warm drink in hand and Doctor Who to entertain me and take my thoughts elsewhere. Somewhere in another world I will find solace this evening, in a blue police box I will fly with a new face, with an old soul.
I love how the words on a page, an adventure on a screen, can take you a million miles away from reality. I’m not tired in this moment, and the dreams I am seeking aren’t my own. That’s quite a relaxing thought.
I’m the kind of person that some people would say, has her head in the clouds. I often think of projects and plans I want to persue and make lists and charts that stabilize those ideas. But, they are usually the kind of ideas that require time and money, two things I don’t have a lot of, right now.
One of those ideas is that I would love to run a food truck, recently refuelling the desire by watching The Great Food Truck Race. I even looked into applying for the show, but they’ve changed entry to you needing to have an established food truck business to take part. Whomp whomp!
Usually Id say that the brain is a wonderful thing, not just because of its base functions that let us live and move, but because it also lets us imagine and dream. Lately though I am hating what it produces at night. My mind has been taking me to dark, hurtful places. It is using my fears and twisting them into vivid nightmares that I have trouble escaping.
I’m used in some ways to this. When I’ve been stressed in the past I have had sleep paralysis and Hag Syndrome. But nightmares are almost worse, because those images stick with me. When I have sleep paralysis it effects me for a short time and then it’s done, unlike the images that my mind creates.
I won’t describe or go into any detail of these nightmares as I don’t want to rehash or reread them. They have been more frequent though and I hate that. They leave me feeling drained when I wake up and make me want to grab each and every one of my loved ones and check that they are okay.
The brain is cruel. It is not creating the wonderful dreamscapes that I usually love. I wish I could just switch off at night. To have a blank slate, void of dream or nightmare would be better than experiencing the sting that it creates.