Playing Catch Up

Goodness, it’s really been quite a while since I sat down to write anything. I’m not sure why I haven’t spent time doing this, but I’m here now… waiting for the words to come. This feels more difficult than usual. I can’t even recall where I last left off.

I guess I could fill you in on the year so far.

January was uneventful, as the start of the year always seems to be. It was an unusually cold winter this year with tons or rain. The kids had many opportunities to jump in puddles and get extra muddy!

February, I applied for my US citizenship. Not something I planned on doing, but now is as good a time as ever to do it. Things are already moving quickly with the application and I have my biometrics appointment this coming week. Calvin started karate and absolutely loves it! He’s made some friends and it’s giving him extra lessons in focus and discipline, much needed for crazy four year olds!

And here we are at March. March so far has been busy! Calvin is registered for TK (Transitional Kindergarten) for this coming school year, Mia has had her language evaluation for her speech delay, Curtis has been moved to a new station and I am in the hiring process for CHP.

 

Oh… and on Tuesday I’ll be 30… I mean 21, with 9 years experience!

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News

I haven’t paid much attention to the news lately. When I do, I see so much pain, so much sadness. And, I suppose it has always been there, it will always be there, but right now it seems magnified. I try to pay attention only to the positive stories, the little glimmers of hope, of love…

Maybe I am the ostrich, with my head buried deep in the sand, wanting not to see the world in it’s grey and tarnished state. I want to see the world perhaps, through rose tinted glasses, as a child sees it.

I know Calvin and Mia only see love around them. I know that they have no concept of the hate of other human beings, or the atrocities committed in the names of so many. But I also know that a four year old understands strong dislike, they understand the idea that someone can be a bully, that bad behavior can hurt more than just someones heart. Isn’t that just a little bit terrifying?

I want to shelter them from the news, from hearing about the pain of the world and the people in it. I want to shelter my own heart and mind, pouring all of my love, all of my positivity into my family. So whilst the negative sometimes slips through the cracks, and I choose to read the occasional news story, to keep current, to know what it out there, I will continue to seek the positive. I will seek the love and the light.

It’s been a while…

I’ve not been in the right frame of mind lately to write much and things have been pretty hectic with moving house and working out a new routine with being further away from our usual amenities.

Holidays as well are always hard for me, which I have mentioned before. I am struggling with some depression, and haven’t been back to see my psychiatrist since the initial visit. Again, things have just been crazy around here!

We are finally moved into our new house though, everything is coming together slowly, but boxes are being emptied and a few days out of the many that have passed since we moved, my laundry pile has only been a small mound rather than its usual colossal mountain. Jinsey is acting his normal self now, he’s eating more, socializing and is completely off of all of his medication, including the anxiety meds which were making him act rather strangely. He will be on a prescription diet for the rest of his life, but it’s a small price to pay for his health and to have a happy cat snuggling up on the bed at night.

Christmas is literally a week away and I feel mostly prepared for it. I don’t cook Christmas dinner so I don’t have that worry on my plate, but I did host dinner for the family this past week. I’ve bought the kids presents apart from a few pairs of pajamas each and I already sent a small box of goodies to England for my mom, last month. Curtis and I don’t buy each other gifts, but he did get me a new jogging stroller so I can start running with Mia more often. I have taken it out for a spin a few times and now I just need to be consistent in my exercising to get the most use out of it!

Really life if just kind of a blur right now, the days are kind of melting into one another and I am hoping that the new year brings with it more clarity, more peace of mind and less anxiety.

However you celebrate this holiday season, I hope that you are not alone. I hope that whatever you do, you have a smile on your face and love in your heart.

Merry Christmas x

Awkward…

So how awkward was the video in my last blog post? I can’t even bare to watch it again, it’s so very cringeworthy! I don’t think I will be doing another of those any time soon.

I need to get back to blogging regularly. Everything has been kind of up in the air lately schedule wise, but we are finally settling into a new routine with Calvin starting preschool and an upcoming work schedule change for Curtis. I’m still really lost as to what to do with Mia on the mornings that Calvin is at school, but we are navigating through it together with lots of park time, running errands and snuggles!

I recently bought myself a book of 300 writing prompts, which I almost immediately regretted for the simple fact that by the end of day one, I had removed several pages due to the fact that I hate my hand writing. I cannot look at a page of my own handwriting for long before feeling the need to tear out the page, ball it up and throw it away. Is anyone else like that?

I’m not sure how other bloggers go about planning out their blogs ahead of time, it seems really difficult to me. I have more of a tendency to write from the top of my head whenever I fancy it, otherwise I feel like whatever I write is fake, or forced. I have far too much junk rolling around in my head lately, things that are too dark, too strange to share here. I’m not sure why I am in this particular predicament right now, but I’m hoping it’s just one of those stages in my life that will pass with time and effort to put forward a sunny disposition, or perhaps that in itself is faking it…

Anyway, I will be writing more often, and hopefully words of a positive nature. Now, go forth and be bold, be brave, be beautiful!

Happiness and Tears

I feel like growing up, for me, moments when I saw my parents cry were few and far between. I remember seeing my mom cry a few times after an argument (she’s an angry crier, as am I). She cried when Princess Diana died, and when my brother joined the Army. And in my adult life, she cried when my grandfather died and when my father died. I’m sure she has cried many times that I haven’t seen, but those are the moments I have witnessed, and the times my father cried openly, were as few. But consistently, saying goodbye at the airport has been moments of shared tears between us.

I don’t want to dwell on the tears we shared today in the airport, or the tears I shed as I drove home and the tears I will inevitably cry when the kids go to bed tonight. She stayed with us a month this visit, and I want to focus on the happiness that I have felt, the experiences we shared as a family. So tonight, I will flick through the photos we took, I will look at my kids smiling faces, and I will focus on the joy.

I hope you can find the happiness beneath the tears, as they can often be the most therapeutic and cathartic.

 

Summer Fun

Oh my goodness, it’s bloody hot! Summer is in full swing in Fresno and the 100+ heat is killing me, Im not sure I will ever really get used to it! I’m in the air conditioning right now though, freezing my butt off with my back against the window and the evil flaming ball in the sky behind me, and finally, with the laptop at my finger tips to write this post.

My mom is currently visiting for her second time, her first time since my dad died, and her first time experiencing our intense summer weather. She is loving it! I don’t know how she does it. She is enjoying walking around town regardless of the fact that we feel like we are literally melting with every step. I think her desire to tan is outweighing her desire for air conditioning.

We’ve been staying close to home so far, really just doing day to day things with the kids and checking out some of the local attractions. These coming (and last) two weeks of her holiday however, we are attempting to cram in as much fun as possible! Shaver lake tomorrow for a paddle with the kids, Old Town Sacramento on Friday, Yosemite next week and we will be taking a trip to Avila, just my mother and I, before she heads home. That last trip is significant, because we will be taking some of my dads ashes with us.

We’ve also been checking out the building progress of our new home! In March they had barely marked out where the foundations would be, and today when I went for a walk through, they have the frame work done, the wiring, the roofing tiles and all of the windows in place. I was pretty impressed and I am very excited!

So here is my little update for now. I have a lot of blogs I want to catch up and read in my feed and I will post some photos from our trips as they happen. For now, I hope that wherever you are, you are safe and happy!

Finding Myself

Do you ever feel like you are adrift?

I’ve been feeling this often lately and I think I have touched on this feeling in past posts. I am Jodie, I am wife, and I am mother. But what else am I? I am incapable of placing my finger on the map of my life and really finding direction. This is a hard thing to come to realize when you are a planner.

I love spontaneity, but at the same time, I like organization, I like the details planned out so that I feel secure in the decisions being made. I learned to let go of those expectations a little when I became a parent. After all, how can you really plan ahead when you have two tiny humans who are chaos incarnate?

Our days are about to be shook up. Calvin will be starting preschool three days a week in August and Curtis is about to begin a new schedule, at a new station. And then there will be Mia and I, and I feel the need to fill those mornings when Calvin is in school, with activities for her and I. But with what? That direction thing again…

If life came with a compass, it would have no needle.

Conflict

I’m not a very argumentative person… Okay, I can be argumentative when it’s something I’m passionate about or I’m defending myself/family or friends, but most of the time I avoid conflict. 

Last year it truly felt like everyone was offended by everything, and with the Internet at their fingertips, their outrage was shared with everyone who happened to scroll by. This year the arguments are politically charged with the presidential election approaching and to be honest, it’s quite scary. Not just because the candidates are a bunch of idiots with some questionable ideas, but their supporters are equally, if not more terrifying in their beliefs. 

I try not to discuss politics with people as I have often gotten the comment that I shouldn’t be interested in US politics as I can’t vote… But that is ridiculous. I live here, my family are American citizens, the choices made politically, effect them as well as myself. 

The scariest thing about all of the political talk though, is discovering that people I thought I knew well, have some interesting views that I just can’t gel with. And as this post title says, conflict is afoot and is something I try to avoid! I’ve found myself deleting people from Facebook in order to avoid ruining those relationships completely.

I was angry at myself the other day. I was angry because I politely nodded in agreement when a friend discussed his views on the family unit. Specifically the roles women play. He stated that women should stay home with the family and that to work is selfish, it takes away from the children and from the husband who depends on her to stay home and take care of the kids and the house… I’m a stay at home mom, luckily my husband works bloody hard for that to be a possibility, but he also supports me going back to work if I would like to. I also have friends who work and their inportance as a parent and as wife isn’t diminished by that. 

I should have argued the point. So to my fellow women, who stay home or work or work from home, I’m sorry.

Draft

There’s a draft that has been sitting in my folder since the early days following my fathers dead. I’m not sure if I will ever publish it, even though I’ve reread it so many times. Maybe I should just delete it… after all, the words are burnt into my memory, I can still feel them being typed out under my fingertips, I can sense their release and then their entrapment.